Saturday, December 13, 2014

Believe There is Light in the Dark

So I want to blog and all of a sudden I can't think of a thing to say. Like, it's been almost 2 months since my last post. My husband is wondering what alien took over his wife's body because of the silence.

I've been stuck in a funk. Challenged to share something of value but ... Nada. Nothing.

I'm thinking, "What’s my problem?" I conclude Thanksgiving and Christmas coupled with cold, rain and the economy. What does that mean? Well, if truth be known the cold, rain and economy are surface issues. If I dig a little deeper what I discover are old memories, unrealistic expectations I have put on myself, unmet dreams, and fear of the unknown; add this to the holiday season and I got myself a case of melancholy. Yikes! That sounds like a disease no hot cup of ginger, lemon and honey could cure!

Melancholy appears pensive, dark and silent.

These days I am being stretched to roll with unforeseen adventures which are challenging me to laugh, have fun and trust like a child in spite of my circumstances. It's not always easy for me because I missed out on that "child-like" part growing up.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Burying the Past

Have you ever heard some of these sayings or versions of the same theme?
  • Time heals all wounds 
  • Leave the past behind and move on
  • That was then, this is now
  • Bury the past or bury the hatchet
  • Get a grip
  • Pull yourself up by your bootstraps
  • Don't let the past steal your future
  • Suck it up cupcake
There is truth in all of these. But I think how to; heal, leave it behind, get a grip and move on to enjoy the present and future is open to interpretation. How to do this and how long it takes will be different for everyone.

Do you think there is a difference between leave the past vs bury the past?

Noah Webster's revised unabridged dictionary 1828 and 1913 editions offer various definitions:

Leave 1913
  1. To withdraw one's self from; to go away from; to depart from; as, to leave the house.
  2. To let remain unremoved or undone; to let stay or continue, in distinction from what is removed or changed.
  3. To cease from; to desist from; to abstain from.
  4. To desert; to abandon; to forsake; hence, to give up; to relinquish.
  5. To let be or do without interference; as, I left him to his reflections; I leave my hearers to judge.
Bury 1828
  1. To deposit a deceased person in the grave; to inter a corpse; to entomb.
  2. To cover with earth, as seed sown.
  3. To hide; to conceal; to overwhelm; to cover with any thing; as, to bury any one in the ruins of a city.
  4. To withdraw or conceal in retirement; as, to bury one''s self in a monastery or in solitude.
  5. To commit to the water; to deposit in the ocean; as dead bodies buried in the deep.
  6. To place one thing within another.
  7. To forget and forgive; to hide in oblivion; as, to bury an injury.
In summary and context to this topic, my answer would be:
  • leaving - means ignoring something I don't want to deal with
  • burying - means taking action to finish dealing with something I no longer want to bury me
In case you haven't read my page Meet Tammy Sue or listened to my Audio Clip, let me back fill for you. My relationship with my Dad was, to say the least, estranged. My Dad had a hard life growing up so in turn he shared that with me and my family. As time went on, his attitude grew harder, defensive and turned bitter and angry as he turned to alcohol which didn't agree with his pain medication nor the betterment of our family structure. Our home was fraught with tension, verbal and physical abuse.
  • June 1986 was the last time I spoke with Dad. Alcohol took over his priorities.
  • March 1992 Dad died.
  • July 1992 I learned he died (4 months after the fact), that there'd be a service of sorts, but never heard another word.
  • September 2011 I learned my dad had never been buried. 
  • July 2012 I obtained his ashes -
    • 20 years after he died
    • 26 years after the last time I talked to him
  • October 27, 2012 I buried him
When a crazy thing happens like getting ashes I didn't know existed, and then having the opportunity to bury them 20 years later, it gives a whole new perspective on: put it behind you, move on, and bury the past. 

Monday, October 13, 2014

The Christmas Dress

Saturday night my husband and I went to the Bread Box Theater with good friends of ours. The wife of the other couple and I were sharing how we often think we look fat. Wow, what a news flash, women thinking they look fat! Never heard of such a thing. Ha Ha. She is skinnier than me. While I'm thinking I'd like her waistline, she said she's bigger than all her sisters so I shared, "I look at old photos of when I was skinny, yet at that time I felt fat. Now I wish I could get those days back!" We both shook our heads and said, "What is it with women?" I suggested it's an inner view of ourselves.

I've had some pretty negative inner views to overcome. Intellectually I understand the concept but boy is it hard work. One day I feel great, the next day I look in the mirror and say, "What happened?" Well, it takes time, patience, truth and revelation. So it takes digging, more patience, perseverance, and belief in the truth.

There are a few stories from my past that helped shape my view of myself, but I will share one. Because this is out of context, here's a synopsis to fill in some gaps. My dad was becoming an angry man and drinking regularly. Having met the other end of his hand or belt numerous times, I was already afraid of him. My shadow is my sister. I was about 8 or 9 years old. Here is an excerpt from my book.

Monday, September 15, 2014

The Fragile Dance

After church today, I talked with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time. A few divine words of encouragement mixed with goose bumps, then we landed on relationships; how the party is easy, but a bad day, event, circumstance can challenge the party, if not ruin it. Challenges come with their own criteria and time-line.

In the best of circumstances, relationships are hard and take finesse which takes intention. When you're looking to marry, unlike fairy tales, none of this comes naturally or is learned overnight. In addition if the two people come together loaded with baggage, it’s even harder. The ultimate challenge is not to quit and give up.

Hard to believe my husband and I recently celebrated our 18 wedding anniversary, together a total of 22 years.  The last time I spoke to my dad I was twenty-three. Weird how I’ve been with my husband almost as many years. It puts a completely new perspective on things. Breaks an emotional spell, if you know what I mean.

Tammy Sue Willey, abuse, alcoholic, baggage, relationships, white mountains, hope, fragile
Celebrating 18 years married in White Mountains 2014
Mt. Whiteface and Mt. Passaconway
Tammy Sue Willey, abuse, alcoholic, baggage, relationships, white mountains, hope, fragile
Happy 18 Anniversary on Mt. Whiteface, NH 2014
Sifting through all the garbage of my past, it’s a wonder we lasted. I've been writing a book and below is an excerpt from the chapter titled The Fragile Dance

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Angels Landing Utah

What do you see when you look at this photo?

Coming? Going? Scared? Happy? Relief? Other?

My husband, Curtis and I were excited to finally reach the summit of Angels Landing where people gathered for lunch and photo ops of the awesome view. About to high five and celebrate we quickly learned we weren't at the top, but on what is known in hiking as false summit where many stopped and wouldn't continue to the real summit while others just returned from there. "There" being the knife edge where I am pointing in the photo, the real summit, another 450 feet up, which translated was roughly another half-hour to the top of Angels Landing in Zion Park Utah

Trust me, it was a decent hike and just as satisfying to have stopped here. I mean look at the view! 
Well, it didn't take long, I decided to persevere to the top. I refused to say I was so close, but ... 

Together we climbed the last leg of the hike. The knife edge. I couldn't tell if the view was more breathtaking and exhilarating then the false summit or it just felt that way because I accomplished it. 
Summit of Angels Landing Utah 2009
Tammy Sue and Curtis

Summit of Angels Landing Utah 2009

If you only knew how victorious I felt at this moment.